blam!

 FINALLY got a cell phone... still hasn't arrived yet.

I'm impatient. 

Walking with Mark and Faith later. It's such a beautiful day!

 BLINK 182 is back!!!!!!

omg


This is the most amazing news since Barack Obama.

 It's been quite a while since I've written anything and a lot has happened.

After long agonizing fights, discussions, and arguments, my mom and I have decided on our own terms to call it quits on our relationship for now forcing a speedy move in with my boyfriend of 3 months. We're handling it ok but not having my own personal space/time to do what I would normally do is something I'm still getting used to. I still haven't spoken to my mother.

Lately I've been really busy with new responsibilities, work, and school. Only a semester and a half to go until graduation. I've got to start thinking about where I would like to do my internship, organizing my resume, and planning for a future including a possible new place to live by May. Mark and I discussed just staying put at the apartments until December since we've seemed to settle in here pretty well over the past couple of months. 

I've been thinking about my finances a lot lately and to be honest it's really freaking me out. After I graduate I'll be paying off my student loans and a few other random bills on top of rent and utilities. I'm really hoping I can get a well paying job straight out of school.

 

Why are parents always the first to cut you down and make you feel horrible about who you are and what you want to be?

It seems that every time things in my life are heading in the direction I want it to be I'm told I'm doing it all wrong. All I want is to be encouraged every once in a while. I want to be told I'm a good kid. I want feel like I'm making someone proud.

I never ask for much and what I receive I'm always thankful for.  I try my hardest to make you proud of me and to make you see that I'm doing all I can do right now. I'm not perfect. I'm sick of being compared. I'm not a loser. I do my best with what I have and I'm so close to success I can taste it. I don't want to be without you when I'm on my own feet but it's really getting close to that. I cant be around someone who pushes me to the edge and makes me feel so defeated. I cant be around someone that dwindles my motivation until it's microscopic. I cant be around someone like that and still be what I want to be. You're killing me inside and every time I try to express this I'm being 'minipulative' or I'm trying to make you feel guilty. Why cant I just be your daughter and why can you just be my mom? Why is this relationship falling apart like it has been for years? Why don't you want me?

Top 5 things I've learned in the past month:

1. Never live below big black people who reeeeeaaalllly like R&B music.

2. Resident Evil 4 is the greatest game ever made.

3. Long Island Iced Teas taste nothing like iced tea at all.

4. I <3 chicken patties.

5. It's only ok to pee yourself if someone tells you to do it.

My mom is on a business trip and I have the house to myself.

Any other kid my age would think 'party' but... I really don't have anyone to invite to a party in the middle of the week. So, I'm stuck her mostly by myself and a bunch of animals. Fun.

I'm really wanting to do something fun this weekend. I've been getting used to the idea of actually going out and enjoying the world. Luckily I also have a cute boy on my arm at all times to enjoy the world with me.

He doesn't like to be tickled... I do it anyway... I'm an awful girlfriend.

You're amazing. You make me incredibly happy. You're not fake, you're not shy, and you always know how to make me smile. Falling asleep in your arms is a feeling that is not easily put into words... waking up beside you is even better. Knowing that I'm always on your mind makes me smile. Knowing that you're always on my mind drives me crazy. You tell me everything I need to hear, not because I want to hear it but because you mean it. Seeing you is like a thousand bolts of lighting striking me all at once. Not seeing you is like starving to death.

If only I could say all these things to you without freezing up and getting nervous.

I cant really put into words how I've been feeling lately.

My best friend is home. That sure takes a load off my shoulders. She's amazing and I'm so lucky to have her.

My boyfriend is also amazing. I'm not really used to being treated this well. We get along great and already have a massive collection of inside jokes that nobody understands. It's really nice to just lay and cuddle and talk with someone and have them get you entirely. It feels like we've been together a lot longer than we have. Maybe that's because we've had a year to grow on each other... or maybe it's because this is actually as perfect as it feels. Who knows.

I started my week of midterms this week. It's already old. I'm hoping I do well on the rest of them. I feel so unprepared.

This weekend should be great. I cant wait to go out with my besties and tear up the town. I'm just hoping we can find a reliable DD to get home.

Spent Thursday-Saturday at Mark's house watching really shitty horror movies and cuddling...

Jordan came home today. We decided to go out to Jim's Tavern (aka the trashiest bar in all of franklin county). There... we drank 5 drinks a piece and paid for none of them. Oh how great it is to have boobs and vaginas.


Now I sit here listening to her snore on my couch until I get sleepy... which is right about now. 

Things are going so ridiculously well in my life recently that I'm beginning to get used to the idea of happiness.

Midterms are next week and I'm slightly nervous of how prepared I am to take them/pass them. I need a study buddy (any takers??).

Jordan comes home this weekend and I've literally never been more excited. I really miss her when she's away and it's nice to have her around. We're going to tear up the bars next weekend. Shit's gonna get ill.

I'm going to meet some of Mark's friends this evening and I'm kind of nervous. I always get nervous meeting new people... but meeting new people who's opinions matter in this particular situation, freaks me out.

I can't wait for thanksgiving. I'm super excited to cook/eat food. The last three years I've missed this lovely holiday and I plan on making up for it this year. I think I might invite Mark over since his family wont be in town. I'd hate to see him spend another thanksgiving at a perkins.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN! I LOVES YOU MORE THAN A CRIPPLE LOVES ELEVATORS!

If he got any cuter... I'd have to shoot him.

I'm already in love.

All my traveling days are done
so lay me down to sleep
This bird's only song is sung
All my traveling days are done

All my rambling ways are through
Cut deep within a mix with Gin
I've hurt none too few
All my rambling ways are through

This bird has flown
and this bird has traveled every road it knows
Don't treat me like the brush fire
burning through the pasture
The spring will come
the rain will fall
and summer will follow after

All my crying days are gone
the tears I've cried for love that's died
have hurt me for too long
All my crying days are gone

This boy is sweet
and this boy has shown me everything I need
Don't treat him like the brush fire
Burning through the pasture
The spring will come
the rain will fall
and summer will follow after

Every wonder how some people can just make decisions and be completely happy, and then others cannot?

I'm semi stuck in a rut right now... something I'm not sure how to get out of.

I have a date on Friday night...

My little girl pup had puppies Saturday night. 3 tiny little rat things. One is albino.

I'm ready for this semester to be over. I'm ready for this year to be over. I wish we could just skip winter entirely.

Shai wants to bbq for me on Thursday. I'm expecting a phone call tonight... I <3 being single.

I had the best night I've had in a long time tonight. We made plans again for Sunday. Getting to know someone is nerve racking but so much fun. It's nice being around someone who is really interested in who I am.

I had this swing on a tree beside my house when I was a little girl. Sometimes, when I was happy, sad, mad, whatever, I would try to swing high enough that I could jump over my house... 


You never know how good things can possibly be until everything seems to... well?

First of all I would like to say that I love my best friend. She is the only person who has really stuck with me through it all and I appreciate her so much for that. I haven't a clue where I would be right now if it weren't for her.

Things have really sucked since Steve and I broke up. I haven't really been myself for the past 2 months. I needed a break from myself and I took it. It feels really good to know that it's all out of my system and things can only be on a better path now.

I've started seeing a someone whom I feel I can really care about. I haven't felt that way about someone since Steve and I really had my doubts about whether or not it would ever happen for me again. Now that I know that I'm capable of feeling this way I've begun to feel more optimistic about my future. I'm not so depressed anymore and I'm a lot more of myself. I feel he will be really special in my life and I want to keep him in it for as long as I possibly can.

You've got to love that giddy little girl feeling deep in your gut when you cant seem to get that special person out of your mind...

Vaca in a couple of days. I'm moderately excited. I need to get out and do something.

I'm trying to figure out what I want out of a relationship. Tristan and I had a really good conversation the other night about how people take relationships, love, marriage, and children so seriously at our age when we're just supposed to be living life and having fun. He also pointed out some of the reason that I may have been unfortunate with relationships in the past.

He told me that I need someone with a personality as strong as mine. I can be intimidating at times and men who are insecure feel too inferior around me. I suppose then I need to find someone who is as strong of a presence as I. I need to stop going after the quite, shy, insecure ones who have a very difficult time expressing themselves.

I'm just not one to rush into anything. I want to take my time with this one this time and make sure it's done correctly. I'm not one for rebounds and I certainly wouldn't put him into a position where he would question my true feelings. I'm not a fan of those who bounce back and forth. They never know what they truly want because they're too busy being afraid of being alone.

Sad.

I love my friends. Life at home has gotten progressively better. Tristan is adorable and I really like spending time with him. Him and I are going to Otakon on Friday, which is sure to be a blast! I'm going shopping for undapants on Saturday and hopefully I can manage to find a swimsuit. Monday Jordan and I are going to swim at Tristan's house. Tuesday morning at 2 am is Persieds meteor shower that I wouldn't miss for the world. Hopefully we can view it well from his house.

Jordan leaves soon =(